Are you noticing resistance or refusal in a loved one with dementia? Maybe they’re refusing to use a walker, don’t want help getting dressed, or insist they are able to live independently. This can be a frustrating time for you as a family member or caregiver, but it can also be confusing and upsetting for your loved one.
The goal of providing help, whether with activities of daily living or eventually moving into senior living, is not to take away a person’s independence. It’s to find ways to support their freedom and autonomy while also keeping them safe. In order to do this, you have to understand why they may be refusing help in the first place and also how to approach these situations with patience and care.
Why Might Someone with Dementia Refuse Help?
There are various reasons that a person with dementia may refuse help. And before trying to convince your loved one to just accept the help, it can be especially helpful to understand the why behind their refusal.
They May Not Realize They Need Help
Some people with dementia experience anosognosia, a condition that can make it difficult to recognize or understand changes in their own abilities. They may genuinely believe they can still do something independently, even when others can clearly see that they’re struggling.
Fear or Loss of Control
Accepting any sort of help can feel like a terrifying loss of independence and dignity for someone with dementia. Maintaining independence and having control over everyday decisions can be especially important to older adults. When that is stripped away, it can trigger feelings of sadness, fear, and anxiety.
Overstimulation or Discomfort
Unfamiliar routines, loud environments, hunger, or fatigue can sometimes contribute to resistance. Feelings of confusion or discomfort can also make it more difficult to accept help.
How to Approach Helping a Loved One with Dementia
When offering help, it’s important to focus on maintaining your loved one’s independence and not on what they can’t do. Say to yourself: “How can we help them complete this task safely?”
You don’t want to disrupt their routine or every aspect of their daily life, as it can cause confusion and difficulty adjusting. If your loved one is struggling with household tasks, let them continue doing the parts that they can safely manage themselves. Or if they’re resistant to personal care (bathing, grooming, etc.), look for ways to make the task more comfortable and less intrusive.
Independence doesn’t always mean doing everything alone. You must find a balance between maintaining your loved one’s independence and giving them the support they need, rather than taking everything over. Whether you’re helping with medications, personal hygiene, household tasks, or something else, try to offer support only where it’s needed. Giving your loved one opportunities to make choices throughout the day can help them maintain a sense of control.
Start Small and Give Them Choices
Introduce one change at a time
You don’t want to suddenly switch several parts of your loved one’s routine. When possible, introduce one new change at a time and give them an opportunity to adjust.
Offer choices
Give your loved one the opportunity to choose from two reasonable options instead of deciding for them.
Find a different way to offer help
Sometimes, changing how you offer help can make a difference. Instead of focusing on what your loved one cannot do, explain how your support can make the task easier for them.
Know When to Step in for Safety
Although maintaining independence and autonomy is important, you must also consider your loved one’s safety. Yes, some disagreements aren’t worth turning into battles over, but when it comes to their health and safety, there are times that you may have to step in.
Situations such as unsafe driving, getting lost, medication mistakes, difficulty managing hygiene, or trouble preparing or eating meals can be major areas of concern where you may need to step in. Maybe they are not remembering to turn off kitchen appliances, or they have fallen repeatedly by not using their walker. These are situations where their health and safety are in danger.
If you’re noticing that your loved one’s refusal of help is putting them or someone else at risk, it may be time to talk with a professional about what additional support may be appropriate.
When Is It Time to Consider Memory Care?
Sometimes, the question isn’t whether your loved one wants help. It’s whether the level of support they need can still be safely provided at home. If your loved one can no longer get the support they need at home, it may be time to explore additional care options such as memory care.
Refusal isn’t the only sign it’s time for memory care, though. Some additional signs include:
- Their care needs have increased significantly
- Safety concerns are becoming more frequent
- Frequent supervision is needed throughout the day
- They’re struggling with activities of daily living
- Caregivers feel overwhelmed or burned out
- They need a consistent routine and additional support
Looking into memory care doesn’t mean that a move has to happen immediately. It can simply be a part of planning ahead, in case situations of refusal or their care needs evolve significantly. Visiting communities, asking questions, and understanding care options can help families feel more prepared if their loved one’s needs continue to change.
You Don’t Have to Figure It Out Alone
If your loved one resists help, you’re not failing by trying a different approach or asking others to step in. Dementia can change over time, and the goal is to provide the right amount of support while preserving your loved one’s independence and quality of life.
At Northshore Heights, we know that a dementia diagnosis affects the entire family. Our memory care team provides personalized support in a safe, home-like environment while helping residents maintain their independence and enjoy meaningful moments each day. We believe every resident should feel seen, heard, and valued, and our team approaches care with patience, kindness, and respect.
If you’re considering memory care in Knoxville, TN, learn more about Northshore Heights or schedule a tour to see how we can support your family.
